Kill Me With A Song

LYRICS

Maybe it's the things I say
Maybe I should think before I speak
But I thought that I knew enough
To know myself and do what's right for me

And these walls I'm buildin' now
You used to bring 'em down
And the tears I'm cryin' out
You used to wipe away

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breakin' apart?

Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn

Don't make me have to choose between
What I want and what you think I need
'Cause I'll always be your little girl
But even little girls have got to dream

Now it all feels like a fight
You were always on my side
And though lonely I feel now
You used to make it go away

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breaking apart?
Don't wanna be torn

Why is all this so confusing
Complicated and consuming?
Why does all this make me angry
I wanna go back to being happy

The tears I'm crying out
You used to wipe away, yeah

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
(Listenin' to your heart)
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breakin' apart?

Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn

Don't wanna be torn
(Don't wanna be torn)
Don't wanna be torn
(Don't wanna be torn)
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
(Don't wanna be, don't wanna be)

This song somehow encompasses the fact that it's not always easy listening to your heart. The line in the song that states "'Cause I'll always be your  little girl" (song) is in direct relation to me missing my lost father. Which can somewhat correspond to my sorrow in my ballad I sing, "And in his grave rained many a tear." (4.5.190). I wish that I could go back and speak the words my gut told me to do, but just as this song envisions I was so torn between what was being thrown at me--loosening my heart strings so that they weren't pulled either which way...I had lost all tension. I wish I could go back and tell the non-insane Hamlet "I thought you said it was easy/Listenin' to your heart" (song). He who loved me in every way possible and always made my worries go away, just as "I a maid at your window, To be your valentine" (4.5.55-56). I remembered my father soon after his leaving through floral themes, "There's rosemary. That's for remembrance" (4.5.199). When the king asked me "How long hath she been thus?" (4.5.72) all I could think of was the ling "...why am I breakin' apart" (song), it creates this inner vacuole of confusion and depression. When I had first spoken to my father about Hamlet's craziness I couldn't help but remember when I said to him "My Lord, I do not know" (2.1.96), this quote just reminds me of how unsatisfied I felt speaking with him, much like I was being "torn". When I spoke to Hamlet during the play was I too harsh in my tone? As I had said, "You are as good as a chorus, my lord"(3.2.268), did he take it so brash? Miley Cyrus puts it perfectly in her song as she says "Why is all this so confusing, Complicated and consuming?" (song). 
Let me tell you, emotion hoarders reading my blog: This "torn" feeling is what led to my insanity. It is sadly the truth. For some reason or another the King stated "Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you" (4.5.79) as if I had some disease that he could cleanly cure with a few good maids doing their righteous job. Well for heaven's sake! I am a woman! Once a girl that had so much love and support and now this? Miley Cyrus said, "But even little girls have got to dream" (song), as if she had been there at the time when I had loved Hamlet so much I could smell his presence in his longing. But yet my own father had said to me "Tender yourself more dearly" (1.3.116). Literally nothing explains what I was going through better than being "torn". If it is so simple to just follow orders and please everyone why can't I do it? "The tears I'm crying out, You used to wipe away" (song) was Laertes in a kodak moment, it was him all along. "'Tis in my memory locked, And you yourself shall keep the key of it" (1.3.92-93) I said to him before he left me in this castle of despair. 
My method of releasing the tension, as some may call it insanity (rudely), was how I let some of the steam off. The emotions I sang correspond to Miley Cyrus's repeated line "Don't wanna be torn" (song). Yet I sang-song "For bonny sweet robin is all my joy" (4.5.210), because to keep spirits high is to set a mask upon tragedy--to breathe not air but fire, a delicate, morose, dying fire.