Final Essay - Ophelia's Being

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Kill Me With A Song

LYRICS

Maybe it's the things I say
Maybe I should think before I speak
But I thought that I knew enough
To know myself and do what's right for me

And these walls I'm buildin' now
You used to bring 'em down
And the tears I'm cryin' out
You used to wipe away

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breakin' apart?

Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn

Don't make me have to choose between
What I want and what you think I need
'Cause I'll always be your little girl
But even little girls have got to dream

Now it all feels like a fight
You were always on my side
And though lonely I feel now
You used to make it go away

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breaking apart?
Don't wanna be torn

Why is all this so confusing
Complicated and consuming?
Why does all this make me angry
I wanna go back to being happy

The tears I'm crying out
You used to wipe away, yeah

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
(Listenin' to your heart)
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breakin' apart?

Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn

Don't wanna be torn
(Don't wanna be torn)
Don't wanna be torn
(Don't wanna be torn)
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
(Don't wanna be, don't wanna be)

This song somehow encompasses the fact that it's not always easy listening to your heart. The line in the song that states "'Cause I'll always be your  little girl" (song) is in direct relation to me missing my lost father. Which can somewhat correspond to my sorrow in my ballad I sing, "And in his grave rained many a tear." (4.5.190). I wish that I could go back and speak the words my gut told me to do, but just as this song envisions I was so torn between what was being thrown at me--loosening my heart strings so that they weren't pulled either which way...I had lost all tension. I wish I could go back and tell the non-insane Hamlet "I thought you said it was easy/Listenin' to your heart" (song). He who loved me in every way possible and always made my worries go away, just as "I a maid at your window, To be your valentine" (4.5.55-56). I remembered my father soon after his leaving through floral themes, "There's rosemary. That's for remembrance" (4.5.199). When the king asked me "How long hath she been thus?" (4.5.72) all I could think of was the ling "...why am I breakin' apart" (song), it creates this inner vacuole of confusion and depression. When I had first spoken to my father about Hamlet's craziness I couldn't help but remember when I said to him "My Lord, I do not know" (2.1.96), this quote just reminds me of how unsatisfied I felt speaking with him, much like I was being "torn". When I spoke to Hamlet during the play was I too harsh in my tone? As I had said, "You are as good as a chorus, my lord"(3.2.268), did he take it so brash? Miley Cyrus puts it perfectly in her song as she says "Why is all this so confusing, Complicated and consuming?" (song). 
Let me tell you, emotion hoarders reading my blog: This "torn" feeling is what led to my insanity. It is sadly the truth. For some reason or another the King stated "Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you" (4.5.79) as if I had some disease that he could cleanly cure with a few good maids doing their righteous job. Well for heaven's sake! I am a woman! Once a girl that had so much love and support and now this? Miley Cyrus said, "But even little girls have got to dream" (song), as if she had been there at the time when I had loved Hamlet so much I could smell his presence in his longing. But yet my own father had said to me "Tender yourself more dearly" (1.3.116). Literally nothing explains what I was going through better than being "torn". If it is so simple to just follow orders and please everyone why can't I do it? "The tears I'm crying out, You used to wipe away" (song) was Laertes in a kodak moment, it was him all along. "'Tis in my memory locked, And you yourself shall keep the key of it" (1.3.92-93) I said to him before he left me in this castle of despair. 
My method of releasing the tension, as some may call it insanity (rudely), was how I let some of the steam off. The emotions I sang correspond to Miley Cyrus's repeated line "Don't wanna be torn" (song). Yet I sang-song "For bonny sweet robin is all my joy" (4.5.210), because to keep spirits high is to set a mask upon tragedy--to breathe not air but fire, a delicate, morose, dying fire. 

I Have To Say Something...

This is SO unfair. So I am walking down a bookstore and pick up a pad that has fallen on the floor, and let me just tell you--I about felt my jaw hit the ground when I saw it was a critique of no other than me, myself, and I.

Let me begin. First of all, I do commend this unknown author who has somehow found to interpret almost every song I sing, which in my opinion were very in tune and rhythmic. This author states "Ophelia's song begins with an imaginary wayfarer's echo of her simple query about her missing lover; it ends with the equally simple statement about his burial in a foreign land" (Seng 219). I did intentionally mention "Valentine's Day" in my song, but that does not mean the tune solely revolved around Hamlet himself. As deprived as I truly was, I was also referencing the fact that my love towards my father had been torn and "never departed more" (4.5.60). How this person can make such broad judgements I do not see...I have deeper meaning now more than ever that I do not think any one else can notice. King Claudius simply asked, "How long hath she been thus?" (4.5.72) not even attending to the fact that I know now! I have become aware of how easy it is for greed and revenge to mix, plots to align, and eventually a death in pity. I sang to the tune, "Alack and fie for shame" (4.5.64), and even though I was referencing Hamlet I hoped that the world would feel the shame I felt for my father and for my situation itself. If only I had convinced my father of Hamlet's pure love he would have trusted his means and not gotten himself killed. I can only disagree with this author on his critique--he states, "Ophelia's confused reply [to Claudius]" (Seng 220). Confused? Granted, yes, I did say to my father at the time, "I do not know, my lord, what I should think" (1.3.113), but my mind was swarming with all of Laertes such crude advice. In the back of my mind I simply wanted to tell my father that he was wrong! All wrong! Which is why I replied not with a "yes, I agree" but with a more negative connotation "I don't know"--hopefully leading him to second-guess himself, but NO! All that this author thinks is that I was blatantly confused? What rubbish. And moving on to my third and last piece of say is when this author states, "Ophelia once more alludes in song to the circumstances of her relationship with Hamlet" (Seng 223). And once again, I stand to disagree; how this author finds my once-loving relationship in my song that went, "They bore him barefac'd on the bier; Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny; And in his grave rain'd many a tear--" (4.5.188-190). How this author can be so mad as to miss the statement my brother made not even a few seconds before my tune. My brother Laertes clearly understands me in every way possible as her realizes that my wits have been sent after my father, as he states, "It sends some precious instance of itself After the thing it loves" (4.5.186-187). Laertes knows, this uneducated man choosing to judge me from such a Hamlet-based perspective doesn't realize the guilt I face and the love I had for my father. 

My Dissection of "To Be Or Not To Be..."

Hamlet speaks in this soliloquy of death. While it is not the main topic, he is referring to the decision between being the man who commits the act of suicide, being a sin in his ever-so-present religion, or being the true-to-life man who has to deal and face the situation at hand. Within the speech, lines such as “to sleep—to sleep, perchance to dream” (72-73) and “For in that sleep of death what dreams may come” (74). These lines create for the reader a scene of destruction and hate and disposition in which all is done yet with a sense of uncertainty of what may actually happen. Hamlet speaks of the “dread of something after death” (86), which also shows a feeling of jittery nerves and an anxious body—the alliteration of the letter “d” is not mistaken either. Hamlet keeps an entire section of lines, all placed near and around each other, to describe the brutality of life itself. Stating that “For who would bear the whips and scorns of time” (78) if they were actually to live. Also including snippets of actions such as “The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, The insolence of office and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes” (79-82). Hamlet uses mainly the appeal of Pathos within this speech as he targets the deep, under-the-surface emotions that life can create and the uncertain emotions that may not even exist in the after life. "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all"(91) creates a negative feeling and even still an emotion of puzzlement and inner-thought that drives this entire soliloquy. When Hamlet speaks during this scene he chooses to parallel a journey referencing a traveler that may not know the route once "death" is spawned upon; as he states "The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will..."(87-88). One of the major metaphors is that question he first asks "To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer" (64-65) refers directly to death, without uncertainty. Secondly, Hamlet refers to the afterlife as an "undiscover'd country" (87) in which he speaks his doubts of. Yet when Hamlet speaks of the "respect that makes calamity of so long life" (76-77) and how it "makes us rather bear those ills we have" (89), he creates the opposition within his speech, the more logical side that any random nobody would create in this argument eventually left unanswered. Hamlet also refers to the coward we make of ourselves in not being able to actually commit suicide which adds to the opposition; "enterprises of great pitch and moment with this regard the currents turn awry, And lose the name of action." (94-96). Hamlet ponders several questions within his speech not only ones concerning the matter of "life vs. death" but also questions such as "What will the after-life hold?" and "Why do we as a species fear from the idea of not knowing what is to come?". These questions prevail throughout the piece leading way to the ever-so prominent conclusion that is drawn. Which I made out to mean that all is lost, all "action" is lost when a person is "sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought" (93) and left to bear only the moment, deciding that death is not the direct route, and that there must be another way. They are left a coward of the moment. 

Kenneth Branagh version:

Branagh used a hushed tone within the entirety of his speech, speaking directly to himself in a reflection of a mirror. The placement of the mirrors around the hall where this speech was made was in my opinion one of the greatest moves made by the director as he created the paradox that the speech parallels, the mirrors literally created the two sides of the story, "life" or "death". Also, Branagh remained in black costume, which he does for most of the movie, but the darkness of his clothes, and straight-cut jacket and pants draw me to the sharp emotion that is on his face--nothing is left flimsy or out of order in his entire persona, which I think was another move made purposely by the acting team. The camera angle remained more or less directly on Branagh's face for the entirety of the speech. This helped the audience not only to focus on his facial emotions but also the fact that his reflection was directly in front of him. The camera stood behind him but painted Branagh's reflection that faced front, where the viewer saw both the back of Branagh's actual body and the direct front of his reflection--that could not have been done without purpose. 

Laurence Olivier version:

As the scene began there were several changing camera angles that led into the actual soliloquy which created a queasy and distraught and anxious feeling right out of the bat. The high pitched music during the dramatic pause when he shifts positions on the rock he is leaning on creates a shift in the readers mind which lends itself to the several "shifts" within the soliloquy itself, in tone and meaning. Also, Olivier consistently picks up and drops his sword an action that is intensified when death arises and lowered when death is undermined. This roller-coaster of action helps to depict the argument left unanswered that is so vibrantly played out within the mind of only one soul. The black and white persona of the color scheme added a bare layout to the soliloquy that the dramatic and deep music played often throughout it helped to cover and replace, though not to its full entirety. Also, Olivier remains standing on a platform resembling again the major metaphor made within this speech. Being on the higher sustained ground surrounded by a free, unknown space filled with smoke and the uncertainty of it all greatly resembles the argument being played out in front of him. 

Mel Gibson version:

Gibson first walks down the stairs into a deep underground, stone-walled cave which seems to literally encompass him. The masses of stone and his bleak brown and black color pallet lead into no vibrancy in terms of color at all, leaving the viewer what is left within the camera angles, which in this version were rather strategically placed. They gave focus on Gibson speaking while giving much lee-way to the stone surrounding including shelves on a wall, a large table in the center, artifacts lining the halls, and even a tomb--all made from the same stone it seemed. The camera would flash in terms of showing Gibson's whole body then just his face, then the entire room, then a wall of shelves, this done in a rhythmic manner and not super fast creating a anxious feeling; simply a sad mood reflecting the speakers darkest thoughts he is currently pondering. Gibson did a lot of moving during the entire speech, from the first walk down the stairs to around the room, to eventually back up the stairs resembling the thought process he goes through: first entering the mindset of death, examining its benefits and oppositions, then resolving on the fact that "we" are made cowards, and walks right back up into the life and situation he is dealing with. 

Ethan Hawke version:

The first thing that caught my eye with this speech was the color pallet the director had chosen. It was so vibrant as the walls contained a large splash of yellow, while the T.V.'s on the wall had different colors moving around, and each aisle had its own pallet of red, blue, green, and orange. These mixture of colors paralleled the mixture of opinions that Hawke runs through in his mind. His selection to be in the "action" isle of the movie store led very closely to the speech which spoke of the "actions" of death itself. The camera angle also focuses directly on Hawke, following his face and upper torso through the aisles allowing the audience with a very up-front perspective. With this version though, I felt as if I was left disconnected with the shift in culture, from the use of old english with the very contemporary modern hat that Hawke displayed. Yet I think that could lead into the fact that Hawke and his director were looking to portray the openness and timeless theme of suicide. 

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Kenneth Branagh's version led me to tears. My poor Hamlet, how could he ever think that I will never know. Branagh was so effective in relaying key parts of facial movements without over doing it. The placement of him being inside the large hall led me to think of the major balls that I have been to and how small it can make me feel sometimes. Especially at these large parties where people may not know your name--I felt as if I could relate in that perspective. Even though I may not have much to live for now that Hamlet doesn't care for me and my father and brother are pulling at me with two very different sides, I would never consider the idea of suicide! How Branagh portrayed Hamlet in the straight posture led me to believe that this is something that only Hamlet would be capable of pondering with such might. Branagh's version created this feeling inside of me that death was present right then and there, and it might very well happen, Branagh made death feel so real and in the moment--I was lost in time. 

I would consider changing a few parts though, if I had the option. For example I would create Hamlet sitting at first for the beginning portion of his speech in an attempt to make the viewer feel more engaged when he stands up and gets really going into the "meat" of his soliloquy and debate. Then I would not allow myself to intrude at the end of his conversation--I think that takes away from the prominence of this soliloquy itself and what Hamlet is trying to portray is somewhat lose as I enter the room. Yet I would also create a darker color scheme, there were too many whites, blues, and lighter color pallets that might have created the wrong tone out front for many viewers. Yet I do believe that I would choose a subtle green or blue hue that would allow the readers to feel welcome and then harshly stab them with the argument of death being discusses to allow for the soliloquy to remain more prominently remembered by the viewers. These are simply a few of only a few things I would change about this soliloquy because I actually did really like it very much. 

My Blog Has Feelings.

My blog has a very distinct nature because of its creator, me, who has definitely gone through some rough patches recently. Ever since Hamlet came so harshly to me "as if he had been loosed out of hell" (2.1.93) and threw my world from its realm and comforting presence, I have been so lost in the inner depths of myself, digging myself into plots and relationships with those I have not wanted. Because truthfully, I have only ever wanted him. That's it.

For those that actually take time to read my blog, they have experienced this emotional roller coaster with me, literally; word for word. Yet for those spectators who choose the less internally-damaging route, and who like to just skim the many online profiles, I have employed a unique technique. Purposefully changing the typography, color scheme, and format of my profile I have learned to create the Ophelia that I so desire to be.

In terms of typography, I chose the type Georgia. This is because after doing some research I have found that it tends to depict a very longing and "coming from the heart" mood as well as a smooth and theatric tone. I chose a mixture of these emotions because I want my skimmers to feel like they are being touched with a sense of something that is larger than just me. I want them to feel as if it is the world around me that is causing me to feel the pain and deep emotion I feel, not just me venting off. Of course this has good reason, one very blatant example of people turning on me is when I told to Hamlet, "My honored lord, you know right well you did"(3.1.106) as he denies his every feeling towards me.

The color scheme and layout of my writing page are intricate yet simple to the eye. I chose neutral colors in terms of text color with splashes of bright white. These solemn colors exist to create my modest, innocent, yet internally "bleeding" tone. Also flashing a very mysterious and very in-depth curious mood for the viewer as they are going to be torn between the pale colors and daring white contrast. My undertone when speaking to Hamlet recreates my latest color scheme change. "I was the more deceived"(3.1.130), I said to him after being hit by a meteor shower of insults; I felt a dagger pierce my heart--the blood is the deep magenta painted on the letters. The layout remains able to see the background which is in direct relation to me telling my audience that I am not nearly as one-dimensional as I may sound. I want them to see the layers and peel them off one by one. The picture is of me in the background because I believe it depicts me in a very majestic and celebrated way yet the emotion on my face tells a whole other story; a face that says "look into my eyes, feel my pain". 

Hamlet's gone Insane: A Part of Me is Lost

How Many Wrongs To Make A Right?

The Brave One (2007)
In this movie, The Brave One, starring Jodie Foster, a woman looses her fiance to mugging and murder. After seeing what life is without the same man beside her and knowing how he was taken from her, she decides to go after the killer herself. Loosing herself to an unknown being inside her, one that sprung from the hate and desire for revenge, Foster's character becomes ruthless and commits several other crimes in an effort to find the murderers. The question then remains not only how to cope without someone but how to cope with a being you have created.

My life has recently taken a turn in a direction I cannot seem to point to. All I can seem to determine is that there is a part inside me that is burned; its blistered blackened flesh twists with every move I make. Recently Hamlet came to me with a different color in his eye, not speaking a word, yet his actions said too much… “He took me by the wrist and held me hard” (2.1.99). Just as in the movie the woman lost her mate, I feel I have eternally lost mine—there is no going back. Foster’s character says in the movie “I never understood how people lived with fear, and then it touched me…When you love something, every time a bit of it goes, you loose a piece of yourself”. This seems to create in me a sense of understanding and parallelism. I feel as if the love and passion between Hamlet and I is torn with no replacement seam.

Ever since I did “repel his letters and denied his access to me” (2.2.121-122) Hamlet has been so away from my life it has given me a headache after headache, as if when he goes I go. And as seen in this movie I see it as a crystal ball that may almost tell the future. I feel so strongly to want the old Hamlet back, the man of intellect, jolliness, and confidence. If what it takes to get him back requires me to seek revenge on those who took him away from me—I do not know if I can subside that desire. Foster’s character in the movie says “It is astonishing to find that inside you there is a stranger…I killed a man tonight…This stranger is all you are now…There’s no going back”. Do I see myself plotting against the Queen and King whom are currently on my side? Not necessarily. My father, Polonius, had a talk with them begging for him to be able to uncover Hamlet’s true source of insanity, how he is mad for love; “He’s mad, ‘tis true; ‘tis true ‘tis pity” (2.2.105) my father told the Queen and King. I know my father believes that I am the nature of Hamlet’s insanity but I cannot help but believe his sudden irrationality deals with the same plot line as this movie! In the movie the woman has the police, deputies, and town on her side yet feels it is they who are the problem themselves as they are not making an effort to make progress on her case. I cannot seem to condone the fact that maybe Hamlet’s madness has to deal with the death of his father and more largely the newly wedded Queen and King. How can I believe that when Hamlet wrote “Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this machine is to him” (2.2.131-132) he would simply not be mine? It cannot be! He must love me still! Therefore I have not an option but to look into the case of the Queen and King, what have they done to him! They must be the cause of his insanity. Just as Foster’s character in the movie said, “There are plenty of ways to die, you have to find a way to live”, I must make amends to find the real Hamlet under the thick layers of sin through his family ties. My father wishes to speak to the King and Queen, explain to them that Hamlet is simply lost in madness for my love. Yet I cannot live with this pain, this agony of not having the same Hamlet hold me close, the same mad who deemed me his “soul’s idol” (2.2.117). I need to dig deeper and find the true source of Hamlet’s anger—that is all I can seem to think of. And if it does turn me into something I am not, if it does drive me mad, I will know that it was all in the pursuit of getting back the Hamlet that was taken from me.